Carnita Hunger Games
I know that intermittent fasting is all the rage right now, but there’s another diet where you don’t eat anything for extended blocks of time—sometimes only allowing yourself 500 calories for days on end—that also happens to be a very effective approach to losing weight. It’s called anorexia. Oh, wait sorry no, my bad, that’s not a diet, it’s a dangerous disease and a serious mental illness. Or at least that’s what I was told as a severely depressed 89-pound teenager when they pumped me full of Prozac® and explained that if I didn’t quit alternating between starving myself and working out all day, my heart would give out and I would die. Imagine my surprise when the so-called wellness community began brazenly promoting this as health-fueled, beneficial, totally safe and not at all bad for you. Sidestepping decades of research on starvation-related fatalities is certainly a choice. Heavily restricting your caloric intake all day long? Bad. Heavily restricting your caloric intake all day long and then eventually eating? Good? How’s everybody’s whiplash doing?
As someone in recovery, I hate this diet on principle. I couldn’t even come up with a nonrestrictive alternative because I don’t think this diet should exist, so I decided on a cheekier approach. I was going to create some kind of layered dish that included all of the meals one would be skipping, but it was becoming reminiscent of that Thanksgiving episode of Friends where Monica tasks Rachel with making dessert, and I just kept hearing Judy Geller saying, “No, you weren’t supposed to put beef in the trifle. It did not taste good.” So, I went back to the drawing board and had an epiphany. This diet isn’t about the restriction of the food itself; it’s about restricting the time frame in which you allow yourself to eat. Therefore, we are heading for the slow cooker. If you’re going to torture yourself all the livelong day, you might as well get your house smelling like heaven in the meantime.
Yield: a ton of meat, but if you want to get specific, maybe enough for 10 people?
Ingredients
- 4 pound (1.8 kg) bone-in pork shoulder (you want the fat from the skin for flavor, so leave it on)
- 8 clove garlic, smashed
- 1 large yellow onion, thickly sliced
- 3 bay leaves
- 2 limes, juiced
- 2 oranges, juiced
- 1 tablespoon (18 g) salt
- 2 teaspoon (8 g) adobo con sazón
- 1 teaspoon ground black pepper
- 1 tablespoon (5 g) ground oregano
- 1 tablespoon (6 g) ground cumin
- 1 (12-ounce [355-ml]) can CocaCola® or Coca-Cola Zero™
INSTRUCTIONS
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In the belly of a 6-quart (5.7-L) slow cooker, place all your ingredients. Turn it on high for 5 hours or on low for 8. It depends on how much time you have—and both will be good—but if you have 8 hours to spare, use it for this. When your timer goes off, take a moment to congratulate yourself because you’re now allowed to eat. Check on your meat. As long as it’s fork-tender and falling off the bone, you’re good to turn on your broiler.
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Using a slotted spoon or ladle, transfer as much of the meat as you can to a sheet pan. Leave the bone, bay leaves and any pieces of fat that were too big to fully render behind because no one wants a mouthful of that. Using the super fun two-fork method, shred the meat and break down any large chunks. The more strands, the better. Spoon over some of the juice from the pot and some onions (never forget the onions) and broil for 10 to 15 minutes, until the top starts to caramelize and you’re blessed with crispy bits.
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Serve it immediately because you know you’re starving. Sometimes it’s about a bowl, sometimes it’s about a taco, sometimes it’s about eating it straight off the sheet pan. You’re the master of your own meat.
Credit Line:
Reprinted with permission from Trigger Kitchen by Emma Myles. Page Street Publishing Co. 2024. Photo credit: Emilia Aghamirzai, FatChix Inc.